Why I told Helen to STOP saying she "JUST" wants her Divorce to be "OVER."

If you've read my blog before, then you know about my client, Helen.*

*I talk about "Helen" a lot. She's not a real person and she's not a real client. She's more like a composite character. I will never reveal an actual conversation that I've had with an actual client. Ever.

You also know that I am very invested in helping Helen simplify her divorce.

. . . which means I'm veeeery invested in helping Helen keep her brain clean.

And I had to be brutally honest with Helen today, because she was letting her brain totally f#$@k with her.

I told Helen that she needs to stop saying that she "just" wants her divorce to be over with.

Because she doesn't. Really. She does NOT JUST want it over with.

Because if she really did, she could make that happen today, probably in five minutes.

How? It's simple.

Step 1 - Call her (soon-to-be) ex.

Step 2 - Figure out what he wants -- which, by the way, she is more qualified than anyone else to figure out (including me.)

Step 3 - Agree with him.

That's it. Helen's divorce is over.

But that's not what she wants.

So why does she keep saying that?

And why am I so investing in getting her to stop saying that?

Reason No. 1. It's not true. Right? We just established that.

But the part of Helen's brain that wants to keep her alive (I call it the "lizard brain") will try to tell her that she needs to get out of, run through, or seek shelter from, whatever she's involved in right now that she's believing is the reason why she feels the urge to throw her hands up.

Listening to her lizard brain when it tries to tell her to "just get it done" is like Helen listening to her toddler when she says it is okay to have donuts for supper. Helen feels the STRONG urge to reach for the donut and give it to her toddler (and maybe to have one herself), but she knows that long-term this is a very bad idea.

Helen's lizard brain doesn't give a shit if she makes a crappy deal in her divorce.

Like if the language in her parenting schedule is super vague and setting her up for a lot of conflict in the future, or if she has agreed to much less money than she is entitled to.

Meaning, Helen's lizard brain doesn't care if she's happy. It just wants to keep her alive. It will try to convince her that she might die if she has to step inside of a courthouse again.

Helen's lizard brain is lying. I don't want her to fall for it.

Reason No. 2. Helen is actually draining herself of the mental energy that she needs to make grounded and reasonable decisions. She is also characterizing herself as the victim inside of a process that she does not control, and that is some BULLsh$%t.

The decisions Helen will make in the legal process of getting divorced will be some of the most important decisions that she'll ever make for herself and your kids. She is also the one that will have to live with these decisions (not her lawyer, not the judge presiding over her case, not anyone else.)

Helen needs to harness and protect her mental stamina. And, yes, she has mental stamina. Don't try to tell me that she doesn't. She's a mother. She has done way harder things than this.

So I want Helen to think of that mental stamina like a balloon filled with air. Every single time she says "I just want this over," she is letting some air out of that balloon.

If she keeps that up, by the time she shows up for an important meeting or hearing, her balloon will look like this.

This is not just an argument about semantics. When my clients repeat the "I-just-want-it-over-with" mantra often enough, I it's like I can almost see the energy drain from them. They stop listening to my advice. They are not focusing on the things that I want them to focus on.

And, I inevitably find myself talking them out of accepting a bad deal.

I want Helen to come to the table with a full balloon.

Reason No. 3. "Just" getting your divorce "over with" is planting a seed that will grow over the coming years. And the seed Helen is planting is resentment.

She won't admit it to me right now -- or to herself -- because her lizard brain is very sneakily distracting her. But the truth is, she knows she's making a bad deal and she is going to hold it in her mental balance sheet as a debt that your ex owes to her.

Someday, maybe in a month, a year, or two years, she'll need something from him. He won't agree, and she'll remember how "reasonable" she was with him during the divorce, and then she'll get really pissed off.

She'll be mad at her own garden. The one she planted.

Her ex won't understand it. Of course he won't, he knows nothing about Helen's mental balance sheet.

Instead, he will use her biting words as evidence to support whatever theory is rolling around in his head about Helen.

Their children will notice the tension. Helen and her ex will try to hide it from them, because they're both basically good people, but their children will feel what they're feeling. That's just how the universe works.

So I'm going to try like hell to get Helen to slow down -- to convince that she doesn't have to run. She's not going to die, and she does NOT "just" want her divorce to be "over."

She has a long life ahead of her to live with these decisions. Clean brains don't regret their decisions. I'm going to help Helen clean out her brain.

Talk to you soon.

J anie Lanza Vowles - Practicing Divorce Lawyer -- Certified Life Coach