Two words you should NEVER say to the Judge in your custody case.

Judges in Divorce Court are very clear on what child custody is about  – it is about the parents in terms of their work schedules and other circumstances that will directly influence a child’s day-to-day life, but it is not about what the parents think is "fair" or what they "deserve."  In court, I hear parents say these words to judges a lot.  I hear many of their lawyers say these these words to judges a lot.  When I hear either of these words, my reaction resembles accidentally touching a hot stove.

Please don’t use “deserve” and “fair” when you’re talking about your child’s weekly parenting plan, or the travel arrangements for exchanging that child between yourself and your ex, or pretty much anything else related to what is happening to you in connection with that child's day-to-day life.

That does not mean that what is happening to you is totally irrelevant.  I'm not saying that.  But you have to dig deeper.

What about the situation is not "fair" to your child?  Be specific, and as factually objective as you can, in your presentation to the judge and in your conversations with your lawyer.

If you're doing all of the traveling back and forth when exchanging your child in the course of the weekly parenting plan, most people would agree with you that is not "fair."

But the judge does not want to hear that it is not "fair" to you to do all of the driving.  "Fair" and "deserving" are useless words in divorce or custody cases, because everyone thinks they mean something different.  So she can't do anything with that information.

What the Judge does want to hear is something like "I leave work at 5pm, and then must drive 45 minutes to collect our child at [ex's first name]'s home.  Then, it's 45 minutes back to my house.  This does not leave much time for our child to get settled, eat, do her homework and get to bed at a reasonable time.  If I leave work at 5pm and go straight to my house and meet [ex's first name] there, that is a much better experience for our child.  For those reasons, that is what I propose for the travel arrangements during the work and school week."

See the difference?

Most of the effort that we pour into our children's day-to-day lives is not that "fair" to us at all.  The Judge in your case already knows that.

If you want to inspire that Judge's confidence in you (yes, trust me, you do), then dig deeper when you're making your custody proposals to the court.  Keep your brain clean about what matters and present the objective facts.  No one is more qualified than you to do that.

Talk to you soon, friends.

Janie Lanza Vowles - Practicing Divorce Lawyer -- Certified Life Coach