I won't let Helen trade money in her divorce for something she already has.

Hey friend:
 

For the past several weeks, I have been negotiating a specific financial issue with the attorney for Helen’s* ex.

*I talk about "Helen" a lot.  She's not a real person and she's not a real client.  She's more like a composite character.  I will never reveal an actual conversation that I've had with an actual client.  Ever.

We're very close to resolving our dispute on this issue.  And I am confident that, by employing the proper strategy, I can bridge the gap in a way that is financially in Helen’s favor.

I can just feel it.  I have a knack for feeling things like that.  I mean, I should have a knack.  I've been doing this for a long time.

I think Helen's ex can feel it, too, because he called Helen yesterday and berated her for the fact that this issue has not already been settled.

Helen’s ex told her that she and he should "just split the difference.” This so-called splitting of the difference would not only mean a lot less money in Helen's pocket, it's not exactly an equal split, which -- in Helen's case -- is totally unfair to her.

After Helen concluded the conversation with her ex, she sent me a hastily drafted email in which she said “I don’t care anymore. I’ll just settle with him and split the difference if it means I never have to speak with him again.  Let me know your thoughts.”

It’s funny to me that Helen asked me about my thoughts. Because I already told her what my thoughts were – in the form of my prior advice on this specific financial issue.

Helen’s problem in that moment was her own thoughts – not my thoughts. Helen was having a feeling that was caused by her thoughts about her ex's words to her.

The words did not cause Helen’s feeling. Her thoughts about them caused her feeling.

Helen’s feeling must have been something like disgust -- like a distaste in her mouth so extreme that she had to spit it out right away.

Not surprisingly, from her feeling of disgust, Helen hastily emailed me and said “I just don’t care anymore. Pay him whatever he wants so I never have to speak with him again."

I won't let Helen do that, of course.

What Helen was really saying to me was. . .

"I’m having thoughts about my ex.  Those thoughts have created a shitty feeling.  I want to get away from that shitty feeling, so let's throw five figures at him because I subconsciously believe that will make me feel better."

That will not actually make Helen feel better. I’m pretty sure about that.

 

Instead, I'm going to remind Helen that she is an adult human person with her own decision-making power.

She can already never speak with her ex again, if that is what she chooses to do. She does not have to pay one penny for that right -- not to him, not to me, not to anyone.

So I'm not going to let Helen trade money in her divorce for something that she already has.

Talk to you soon, friends.

Janie Lanza Vowles - Practicing Divorce Lawyer -- Certified Life Coach